A Familiar Feeling
by Twinss R
Summary: Tsuna was involved in a car accident,with result of him losing his memory. All the faces he sees around him,seem so unfamiliar and unwanted..All except for one... Gokudera has created some new and familiar feelings for Tsuna.. Will Tsuna gain his memory?
1. Chapter 1

A Familiar Feeling

Have you ever thought how it would be like.. if you forgot who you are..? ..._Amnesia_. That's what the doctors said when I opened my eyes. I saw some sad unknown faces around me... They were all filled with panic. Some of them were even filled with tears... But I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to those 'strangers' who had lived by my side for all this time. Why couldn't I recognize any of them? Their faces... their moves... they all seemed so unfamiliar...

The first day I opened my eyes, which made me feel like I had just been born.. But it seems like I was 15 years old, and I had been in a terrible car accident, that made me lose my memory.

I looked around the white room and the people who were in it. Next to me, on the left, there was a woman who was crying. She seemed like she had lost a person she loved... I really felt sorry for her. Across the room, there were two girls who were also crying and next to them there was a boy with bandages on him who looked like he was trying to comfort them. Some seats away there was this tall boy who was wearing a shirt with a number, that was like the ones baseball players wear. He was looking on the floor and he looked rather grieved .

Inside this full, yet empty room everyone seemed so depressed. Their gloomy eyes were either staring at me or looking down,trying to hide their feelings; and all I wanted to do was to just run away from these strangers...

Finally, after 5 minutes of deadly silence, the woman on my left wiped her tears and talked to me.

"Tsu-kun... We.. We'll be heading home now, okay..?"

She was avoiding looking into my eyes.

"H..hai..."

I replied, without knowing who this woman was. She took her bag, stood up and everyone else followed her steps. As they were leaving they were all looking at me, as if I was a dead body... They really made me feel so unwanted.

The last words of the woman as she was leaving the room were these:

"Gokudera-kun will probably come back later."

I didn't reply. I had no idea who Gokudera was supposed to be or how he looked like.

So, there I was, lost and alone, staring at the empty room. I wanted so much to go outside and look at the sky but the people with the white robes prohibited me from leaving the bed. They said I shouldn't make any moves for the time being. So,all I could do was just wait...

Five hours had passed since the gloomy faces had left from this room. All this time I was just twisting around on the bed, trying to get some sleep, since there was nothing else I could do, but I was far away from falling asleep. In fact, I was feeling *so* energetic I wanted to start dancing even without music on. The doctors had said that the drugs would have some effects on me, but this... this was too much.

After one more hour of struggling, I heard footsteps outside of the room. I remained silent, waiting for the person to enter inside and it seems like it took him some minutes to finally decide to come in. The door opened and I saw a _familiar_ silver haired boy.. He got in, closed the door and then sat next to my bed without saying any words. He was holding an envelope that was kinda soaked and was looking down throughout the whole process.

"A..are you Gokudera-kun..?"

I asked him, but he didn't seem willing to answer my question. After 10 seconds he nodded his head affirmatively. He was still looking on the floor, something that made me feel a bit insecure but on the same point made me feel a bit eager of getting to know him.

"My name is... Tsu-kun.. as it looks like... Nice to meet you."

I introduced myself the best way I could. He didn't bother to look into my eyes though.

"..I... I already know you.. Jyuudaime... I... It was..."

He suddenly stopped talking and looked into my eyes. Such an extraordinary feeling that was. His teary emerald eyes looked through me,and made me feel so vulnerable... yet so safe.

He was staring into my eyes for such a little time, but it felt so long. He looked like he was about to say something, but no words came out his mouth. It was like he was talking through his thoughts, directly into my mind.

But what did he mean by 'Jyuudaime'? I couldn't resist from asking. Everything felt new to me anyway...

"Ehm.. Gokudera-kun, what do you mean by 'Jyuudaime'? Is this my nickname?"

He looked really surprised when I asked him that question.

"Wh.. What's the last thing Jyuudaime remembers..?"

"Last thing..? Uuhm..."

I tried my hardest to remember anything. Even the slightest memory would help me a lot at that moment. But I failed. I couldn't reply to his answer. Who knows what kind of friendship me and him had had. Who knows how much it could be hurting him the fact that I didn't remember anything. How harsh can it be, if you had your beloved person, forget everything about you... about the memories you created together... about the words you said to each other... about your experiences... I was feeling so guilty.

Gokudera noticed my uneasiness and he apologized in a soundless, empty voice.

"Ah,I'm sorry Jyuudaime... It's okay... that you don't remember."

I couldn't stand this burden on my soul and I did... something reckless I guess. As Gokudera was sitting next to me, staring silently at the floor, I leaned close to him and hugged him. I felt that this was all I could do to make him feel better... or to make _me_ feel better. How selfish of me...

"I.. I am sorry Gokudera-kun! I may not remember anything now.. But we can make new memories together, ne?"

These words that came out of my mouth without even thinking didn't seem to affect Gokudera. He didn't respond to my words. He didn't react to my statement of forgiveness. He was just holding me tightly.

We were in this position for a few minutes. I had snuggled in his arms and I had my eyes closed, trying to feel his sweet embrace with all of my other senses. I didn't want to open my eyes, because the sight of the white depressing room, made me remember of the gloomy faces that left long ago. Moreover, I didn't want to think of anything... I didn't want to think of anything at all. I just wanted to enjoy this moment.

The weird thing is that... Well, it wasn't really 'natural' for a boy to hold another boy the way we were holding each other, and I _knew _it was wrong. I knew that boys shouldn't act that way. Even though I had no memories, my mind considered this action to be a wrong one. However, despite the worries of my subconscious... I didn't wanna let go. His soft hands that were caressing my face and touching my hair, making them more messy than before... His strange, yet so familiar scent that covered his clothes and body... The warmth of his arms... The feeling of his _need_...

It was really so strange, but it felt like I had really known him. I didn't have any memories at all, yet all his movements and the feelings he provided to me... they were all so familiar.

I was nestling in his hug with my head on his chest and for a moment, I really felt like I eavesdropped the secret words of his heart... I could hear his heart beating so fast, as if it was trying to escape from his body. Was I really so _important _to him...?

* * *

><p>I opened my eyes and I was all alone again. Was this a dream..?<p>

I looked around me searching for something to prove me wrong. His scent was nowhere to be found.. his stare was nowhere to make me feel safe. Suddenly I heard the door opening, and I saw the woman from before entering the room while carrying some flowers. She looked at me.

"Tsu-kun, are you feeling better? I'm really sorry Gokudera-kun wasn't able to come... I saw him at the park but he told me he was busy and then went away. That poor boy... He must be feeling guilty."

Oh... So it _was_ a dream. But it was so vivid... And how am I supposed to know how Gokudera looks like, if I have amnesia..? I really had to ask.

"Gokudera-kun has... ehm.. How does Gokudera-kun look like?"

"Oh, Gokudera-kun.. hmm... Gokudera-kun has silver hair... and he seems a bit angry some times... Oh, and he always calls you 'Jyuudaime' for some reason... I guess he gave you that nickname."

"Ah... I see..."

_'Jyuudaime'_...? Yes, I'm sure the person I met was Gokudera. But... was it really a dream?


	2. Chapter 2 Are Dreams Reality?

Are Dreams Reality..?

_..Crying..?_

I can hear someone crying. I can feel his tears falling on my cheek. They feel so warm...

"...ai..."

His voice... I can't understand what he says. Why can't I open my eyes?

"...udaim..."

That.. is that Gokudera-kun? Gokudera-kun! Can you hear me?

"..te am...gome...ai... Jyuud..e..."

What.. What are you saying? Why can't you hear me? Gokudera-kun? Why can't I feel my body..? **Gokudera-kun!**

I was finally able to open my eyes. I was at the hospital, looking at these sick walls around me. Suddenly the nurse entered my room and started asking me if I was feeling okay. I realized that I was trembling.

According to her words, it seems like I was screaming Gokudera's name while I was asleep. I couldn't help it though... For some reason, I was feeling so afraid and I was hoping that he would hug me and make me feel secure and safe, just like he did last time.

For a second, I felt like I couldn't separate my dreams from reality, which scared me even more...

A whole week had passed since I woke up in that gloomy hospital. Every time I fell asleep I was having the same dream. Every time I woke up, it was because of my screams.. calling his name again and again. And yet, he didn't show up. That silver haired boy with his sweet embrace, who could see into my thoughts... He never showed up. That woman, who as I was told was my mother, gave me many excuses of why he doesn't show up, but I couldn't believe any of them. All I wanted was to see him, hear him.. feel him next to me.

After two more weeks of staying in the hospital, I could finally go home. Even though I didn't remember my home, I was really eager of leaving this awful place that gave me nothing more than depression and nightmares.

What I didn't know was that I'd have to be in a wheelchair for a couple of days until I got my full strength back. But still, I'm sure it would be better to be sitting, instead of laying down all day.

On our way home I _saw _him. He was sitting on a blue swing and was holding a cigarette. He was gazing at the sky, and he looked melancholic for some reason. His silver hair was really messy and more than ten cigarettes were laying around him. For a moment, I felt like depression had taken a form and was looking at the world through this boy's eyes...

"Gokudera-kun! Gokudera-kun!"

My mother had to call him three to four times to make him hear her. As soon as he turned his head and saw me... I will never forget his reaction.

The cigarette he was holding fell from his hand and his depressed emerald eyes became empty. The way he was staring at me, made me feel so uncomfortable. Suddenly his depressed look had taken form to an expressionless, cold stare that made me feel so uneasy... It was so weird. The person who gave me such a warm and secure feeling in my dreams, was now looking at me with such cold eyes. But, even though he seemed so distant and sad at the same time I could feel a bit of happiness inside him. I had this weird feeling that he was waiting for this moment, for too long...

I couldn't stand silent anymore.

"Hi Gokudera-kun! My name is Tsunayoshi Sawada, nice to meet you."

I turned my attention towards my mom.

"Mom, can Gokudera-kun come home with us?"

My mother replied without any hesitation.

"Of course Tsu-kun! Will you join us for lunch, Gokudera-kun?"

"A..ah..."

He nodded.

We started heading towards home, but I could still feel his stare. For a moment, I even thought I saw him smiling. But I guess it was just my imagination...

As soon as we reached home, my mom started cooking and asked Gokudera to help me go up the stairs. That wheelchair was really annoying and I was pretty sure that I would be able to climb them alone; nevertheless Gokudera lifted the wheelchair with me on it and carried me to my room. I was quite impressed by his strength.

The moment we entered my room I was looking around it, searching for something familiar, but I couldn't find anything. I felt like I had entered a stranger's room and that I should call it 'mine' and make it my territory. That thought made me chuckle a little. However, the wheelchair was still annoying me so I turned my attention to Gokudera and told him that I wanted to stand up. He looked really troubled at first and he insisted that I should have patience and not make any harsh moves, but that request of him wouldn't satisfy my egoistic, yet so natural demand to stand up on my own feet. In the end I managed to convince him, although he was still hesitant.

"I.. I understand Jyuudaime. Then,let me help y..."

"No,it's okay! I can do it alone."

I didn't even let him finish his sentence and in the blink of an eye I stood up violently, as if I wanted to push my body to break apart; I don't know what had gotten into my mind. As soon as I raised my body, I felt a sudden feeling of fatigue and everything went blur, and then dark.

When I came back to my senses I felt a really warm embrace and a really loud and fast beating rhythm. _A heart_... I could feel the beating of a heart. But whose heart was it..? I opened my eyes and saw Gokudera looking at me terrified.

"Jyuudaime, are you okay? You nearly passed out! Are you feeling okay?"

I wasn't completely back to my senses, so the ability of speech couldn't reach my lips. I closed my eyes and felt once again, his hands embracing me. He was holding me tightly, yet so softly, as if I was a fragile doll and he was afraid of breaking me. After a while, I was finally able to spell a few words...

"I..I am feeling okay, now that you hold me..."

Saying exactly what was in my mind, I grabbed his shirt tight in an attempt of getting even closer to him. I just.. didn't want to let him go...

Some tears fell from my eyes without my permission and as I looked up at Gokudera, I realized he was weeping as well.. Then he looked back at me and smiled.. He really smiled..

_"Te amo.."_

He whispered to me..

"Te ..what?"

"Oh, nothing.."

I couldn't understand at all what he had said, but he wouldn't stop smiling. Such a warm feeling he gave me... such a sweet embrace he offered me... such a magic smile he had... How could he make me feel that way, _I wonder_...

* * *

><p>The day passed really quickly. Lunch was served, dinner was served and throughout the whole day Gokudera was trying to explain to me what was going on in my life and how.. important I was..? The things he said made no sense at all! He told me something about a mafia and how I was the next boss, which is why he was calling me Jyuudaime (tenth boss). He also told me about a baby, named Reborn, who was a hitman and he was.. training me...?<p>

All of these looked so funny and terrifying at the same time.. A baby.. training.. and a mafia? My mind couldn't accept this 'reality' that Gokudera was telling me, and anyone who was sane enough wouldn't believe any of these stuff. On the other hand I really remembered _nothing_ about my life and.. I wouldn't say that Gokudera looked like a mad man. So, I was really confused on whether I should believe him or not..

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes:<em>

This fanfiction was the *first* I had ever written. :P  
>It's been almost a year since I had written it. ^^<p>

So, unfortunately I am only now able to notice the 'out of character' errors and mistakes. :P

Of course, let's not forget that Tsuna had lost his memory.. therefore, his.. well, let's call it 'low self-esteem' or whatever phobias and complexes he may had had in the past, are not valid anymore. :P

That's all. ^^

I do not intend on editing this story anymore. As my first story, I want it to stay just like that. :)

As for the next chapters, I will upload them bit by bit cus I'm a lazy person.. ^^;;


	3. Chapter 3 Our Promises Our Sins

Our Promises..._Our Sins_...

The scent of flowers... The moment I woke up I could smell them like the room was surrounded by them. I opened my eyes and saw a bouquet of flowers placed on my chest. _Six _red roses and a white one in the middle. It looked symbolic for some reason.

Next to them Gokudera's head was laying peacefully, but his body seemed to be in a really uncomfortable position. His right hand was holding mine tightly and his left hand was hovering in the air. He was sitting on a chair and his legs were crossed as if they were tied behind it. His necklaces had been tightened around his neck and they had even left some red bruises on him.

No matter his body's suffocation, his face was really peaceful. His always wrinkled facial expressions were now really calm and his depressed distant emerald eyes were now closed, seeing a world unknown to our eyes...

I wanted to get out of the bed, but his head burdened my chest and made me unable to. I had no other choice but to wake him up.

"Gokudera-kun...?"

I whispered hoping he would hear me or at least move his head a bit, but all I got was a faint moan as a response. I repeated myself with a bit more strength, but this time I got no response at all. So I decided to be a bit patient and wait for him to wake up. I closed my eyes and tried to recollect any memories from my past, but as soon as his eyes came up into my thoughts, I fell asleep.

_"...i...e.."_

_"..eh..?"_

_"..Promise.."_

I can hear his voice again. Yet, there is only darkness...

_"..Promise...?"_

_"I want us to make some promises..."_

Who is he talking to? What kind of promises?

_"What kind of promises?"_

_"Promises to keep us together."_

He sounds so serious... Is he talking to his lover?

_"Will they make us suffocate?"_

_"You know that I would never make you suffocate."_

_"Will they be hard to keep?"_

_"No, if you really love me..."_

Ah, I wish I could see their faces!

_"Then, let us promise."_

Oh, his lover sounds confident.

_"I love you so much Jyuudaime..."_

...EEH?

I opened my eyes, startled by his statement and I saw Gokudera looking at me startled by my awakening. His face had turned red for some reason.

"Ohayo Gokudera-kun!"

"Ohayo Jyuudaime. Did you have a good rest?"

"Hm.. But I had this really weird dream... How about Gokudera-kun?"

"Ah.. I... I accidentally fell asleep on this chair Jyuudaime..."

He touched his back while saying that, avoiding to show any pain in his eyes whatsoever.

"Ah Gokudera-kun, you should be more careful next time, ne?"

I didn't want to admit to myself that his body was in pain because he wanted to stay next to me.

"Hai Jyuudaime, do not worry. Oh, these are for you."

He gave me the bouquet and was looking at it impatiently, waiting for a reaction.

"Ah... Arighato Gokudera-kun!"

I gave him my best smile but his eyes became distant again, as if he was waiting for a different response... Unable to reply the way he wanted me to, I took the chance and asked him about my dream.

"Uhm..."

For some reason I was really hesitant...

"What is it Jyuudaime?"

...But he could make my doubts go away...

"Y-You see Gokudera-kun I was wondering, what... what are the promises you wanted us to make...?"

As soon as he heard my question, his body that was still, suddenly jolted and his eyes that looked so distant, suddenly became so warm and presumptuous. He was looking through my eyes into my thoughts again, and a unique smile was drawn on his face.

_"Do you remember...?"_

If I remembered... His overwhelming eyes were begging me to say yes. My logic was telling me to say _no_...

"N..Not many things..."

It was so obvious that I was avoiding eye contact, but his expression didn't change at all.

"Ah, I see! Well, the fact that you remember at least a few stuff is surely a good thing, since the doctors had said that there were no chances of you gaining your memory."

Oh, I had forgotten about that... When I am with Gokudera I do not feel any gap in my memory, even if I can't remember anything.

"Then... What promises had we said back then?"

I was impatient. I knew that his answer wouldn't solve the mysteries of our existence but I felt like these promises were really _important _to us... Even more important than our existence itself.

"We had actually made six promises."

His replies were accompanied by his beautiful smile.

"Oh, so many?"

My enthusiasm made him chuckle.

"Yes, and they were all really important."

"Then..what was the first one?"

"The first one w..."

His so important words were interrupted by... an explosion? Despite my surprise, I could hear many explosions outside of the house and people shouting "Die Reborn!", "Lambo-kun!", "TO THE EXTREME!"... I had no idea what was going on,and didn't even manage to ask, as a baby was... thrown into the room through the window, and all the caused noises had shut down my voice.

"KORA AHOSHI!"

Gokudera's loud voice actually terrified me for a moment. I hadn't seen him so irritated before.

The baby that was wearing a weird cow costume was sobing, until he heard Gokudera's voice.

"Buaaah, ahodera!"

He stick his tongue out and Gokudera started chasing him around the room.

"Hey, this is not a proper behaviour towards little children! Ah, how are you Tsuna-kun?"

A girl with brown hair and a ponytail entered the room and was looking at me smilingly.

"Tsuna-kun, are you feeling better?"

A girl with red short hair followed behind her.

"I am fi..."

"KYOKUGEN!"

My reply was interrupted by a white haired boy, with bandages wrapped around his hands.

"HOW ARE YOU FEELING SAWADA?"

"I am..."

"Yo!"

I was interrupted once again by a boy with athletic clothes who entered the room really cheerful.

"How are you feeling Tsuna?"

"I..."

"Ciaossu!"

A baby with a suit and a fendora jumped out of nowhere and landed on my hand.

"Itaaaiiiii!"

"Dame Tsuna! Don't be a crybaby!"

_'Dame Tsuna'? That baby surely has some nerve to talk to me like that! My brother...? No, it can't be. My mother told me that I am an only child._

"Here Tsuna!"

The cheerful guy handed a basket over to me.

"My father made some sushi for you!"

"Ah..A-arighato."

"Onii-san..!"

The red haired girl nodded to the loud guy.

"Ah, hai! HERE SAWADA!"

The white haired boy gave me another basket.

"This is from Kyoko!"

"Ah, arig..."

"And this is from me!"

Before ending my sentence, he gave me two boxing gloves and his intense stare made me worry...

"This is how you will pass your days now Sawada! You will join our boxing club and you will get healthy in no time!"

"Hiieeeek!"

A screamed escaped my mouth.

"I...I don't think I am interested in boxing..."

"Onii-san! Don't push Tsuna-kun!"

So lively... They were all talking and laughing, all full of energy. The room was filled with their joy and voices, but I felt like something important was missing. I looked around me and I realized that Gokudera had left. And suddenly... for a moment, I left this world. Their voices couldn't reach my ears anymore; their joy couldn't reach my heart... I was in the darkness again... Unable to see anything. At first I could hear some screams calling my name, but then, everything went quiet. And I could listen to his voice again...

"Our first promise: Never lie to each other."

"Okay, I can promise that!"

"Our second promise: Never have any secrets from each other."

"This sounds easy as well!"

"Our third promise: Never change each other."

"Change how..?"

"Change the way we are. I wouldn't ever change your personality or wish for you to change, and I want you to promise that you'll follow my steps."

"Sounds fair enough. But why would I want to change you? I... I l-love you the way you are..."

"Hm, I love that blushing face of yours..."

"S-stop that...!"

_Haha, he surely made me feel uncomfortable._

"What's the next promise then?"

"Our fourth and fifth promise: Never stop loving each other, and never let go of each other."

"These are some intense promises!"

"Oh, you haven't heard the sixth one yet..."

"What is the sixth one?"

"First you must promise for the other two..."

"Hm. I promise to never stop loving you... and never let you go."

"The sixth one then... This one is really important..."

_Oh, say it already!_

"Oh, say it already!"

"The sixth one: _Follow each other to death_..."

_To death...?_

"To death...?"

"Yes... Because... You already know that our lives aren't safe at all... O-of course you aren't obligated or anything like that! I... I guess it's selfish of me to want you by my side for the eternit..."

"No, I promise!"

_Eh?_

"Eh?"

"I promise! I promise to follow you to death since I know that you will do so as well."

"N-no Jyuudaime, you don't hav..."

"I will have no regrets Gokudera-kun... Because I know how I feel about you."

_That was an unexpected reply of me. Did I love him that much...?_

"Then... Does Jyuudaime promise?"

"Yes. I promise to all six of the promises! How about Gokudera-kun?"

_Oh, he chuckled again._

"Of course. I promise twice as you!"

"Eh? Twice? That's not possible!"

"Then I'll make it be..."

_Hm? What's that feeling? On my lips..._

I opened my eyes and saw Gokudera... kissing me...

How long was I asleep? Had I passed down? How can I know that this is not another dream? And... w... was that my first kiss...?

Gokudera leaned next to my ear with his eyes closed and whispered...

"I'm sorry I didn't keep our promises Jyuudaime..."

He wasn't aware that I had woken up and since I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, I closed my eyes and pretended that I was asleep.

"I love you..."

_ Those words... How could he say those words to me again and again?_

"I won't ever let you go again."

_He really loves me..._

"I won't ever lie to you again."

_But, do I feel the same?_

"I won't ever keep any secrets from you again."

_And if I do... Do I feel it the same way he does? Do I feel it as much as he does..?_

"I love you..."

_What is '__love__' anyway...?_

"And if you died, I would be ready to follow your steps. I would be besides you."

_Such meaningful words, spoken only for me... Why can't I reply the same way without doubting...?_

"You are _everything_ for me."

_But when I look into his eyes..._

"You offered me a reason to live."

_...he takes away all my doubts..._

"You gave a purpose to my existence."

_He makes me feel safe, secure... He makes me feel happy, alive..._

"You make me feel complete Jyuudaime... I love you..."

_I love you too Gokudera__-kun... I may not know what love is, but I know my feelings towards you... I have no doubts anymore... I love you. I just wish I could show it to you, and say it like you do..._

_I love you..._


	4. Chapter 4 An Argument

An Argument

Days passed by sooner than expected and the unimaginable reality Gokudera had told me, was actually put in action. Bombs, guns, dying will flames... They all seemed like a horrible nightmare. My objections of not wanting to become the next Mafia boss were completely rejected.

As to how and with whom I was when the car accident happened, I was not told yet.

"Everything is in the past now dame-Tsuna! Forget about it!" was what Reborn always said, before punching me...

Nevertheless, I wanted so much to find out more about that moment that took away my memories, so I decided to ask each one of the people I knew. However, everyone was avoiding my question and even my own mother wouldn't tell me the truth.

So,there was only one person left to ask, but I was afraid. Afraid of what his words would say.. Afraid of the way his eyes would strip off my mind... Afraid of what the truth was... But no matter what, I _had _to ask,I had to _know._

"Gokudera-kun?"

At the end of another tiring day I ended up in my room exhausted, with Gokudera trying to help me at Maths.

"Hai, Jyuudaime?"

His distant emerald eyes were looking into mine, making me vulnerable once again...

"I.. want to ask you something..."

"Is it about the position of y?"

Of 'y'? His question made me realize that Maths looked like an alienese language. Oh, and that I hadn't been listening at all to his complicated explanations.

"No...'Y' can be wherever it wants, I don't mind."

"Oh, then did you not understand the relative position between this square and this circle depending on their centers?"

I felt like my mind would explode...

"It doesn't have to do with Maths!"

My loud voice surprised him, as much as it surprised me. _Was I so weak against my curiosity?_ Or should I blame the Maths...?

"I... I want to know how it happened."

"What exactly?"

We _both_ knew what I wanted to know...

"The car accident..."

...which is why his uneasy, anxious stare didn't change.

"...It was my fault..."

_His fault...?_

"Your fault? What do you mean..?"

"I... I was the one who had the idea steal that car."

"EH?"

_Isn't that too much?_

"Go-Gokudera-kun, c-could you please explain to me what exactly happened?"

Gokudera stayed silent for a moment and then he looked into my eyes. I felt like he cast a spell on me, while abusing me with his eyes, making my heart feel empty and my body stay still... All I wanted to do was to just listen to what he had to say.

"We had gone out for a walk at the beach. You...I mean _we,_ were different back then... We were more _connected_... And I thought that we should do something crazy. I suggested this idiotic idea and even though you rejected it, I managed to convince you otherwise..."

At the end of every sentence there was this long uncomfortable pause. Gokudera wanted to become silent but the words were struggling to come to the surface.

"What... What was that crazy idea...?"

I was feeling awful that I had to make him suffocate that way. However there was no other solution.

"There was this abandoned car nearby... and..."

"You wanted us to steal it?"

"Yeah..."

"But why?"

"Well, there was no one using it. This car had been there for years... I.. just wanted us to have some fun... I would never imagine that..."

"But none of us knew how to drive! What were you thinking?"

This fact was way beyond what I could tolerate. We _didn't_ know how to drive, it would be _illegal_ if we did and... we _stole _a car! What more reasons did I need to become outrageous?

Three minutes of silence were enough to make me feel like a total jerk. I guess my reaction was really immature, but on the other hand, Gokudera's way of thinking wasn't that clever either... How could I accept the fact that my loss of memory happened due to such an idiotic action?

_"A change..."_

Gokudera interrupted my thoughts with these two words.

"What?"

"A change.. You wanted a change..."

"I'm sure that wasn't what I had in mind!"

"I'm sure you did..."

_What's up with his attitude? Acting like he knows everything about me!_

"Then I am _sure_ I know myself much better than you do!"

"You mean the person _you used to be_, or the person you are now..?"

...I couldn't believe neither my ears nor my eyes... Gokudera's words were accompanied by tears. I could see tears running down his cheeks, as if they were words that couldn't escape his mouth... As if they were feelings captured in the most secret place of his soul... Captivated because of my egoism, my selfishness, and mostly because of my cowardliness to admit that I feel the same.

All this rage that had been created inside me, represented all those feelings and words that I was afraid to say. I like you! I like the way the air makes your silver hair messy, I like the way you dress, I even like the sounds you make when you are asleep... I like the way you smell, I like your voice, I like the way you talk to me, I like the way you violate my mind just by looking into my eyes... I like the way you lit your cigarette (even though I hate the fact that you smoke), I like the way you turn your head searching for me when you listen to my voice, I like the way you embrace me, I like your every move... _I love you..._ _**I love you...**_ Why is it so hard to say it? And why should these beautiful words and feelings transform into rage? _"I love you Gokudera-kun..."_ I was ready to say it...The words had reached my tongue and my heart was about to break..

"I lov..."

"I'm sorry..."

"..Eh?"

"I'm sorry I was selfish..."

"No, you wer.."

"I'm sorry I didn't protect you..."

"No! Don't apol..."

"I'm sorry I can't satisfy your needs..."

"My needs? What are you talk..."

"I'm sorry I can't make you happy..."

"...You ar..!"

"Addio Jyuudaime... Addio Tsuna..."

_A smile..._

"G-Gokudera-kun!"

_That's the last thing I saw..._

_"Gokudera-kun!"_

I tried to run and reach him but he was long gone. His scent was nowhere to be found. His stare was nowhere to abuse me. It was like the first time I saw him, in my dreams... But this was no dream and Gokudera was not a fantasy. The things he made me feel were not made of dream dust... They were real._ And_ _I could still feel them_... The words we said... The promises we made... _Why did you not keep them?_

"Why did you not keep our promises? _WHY DID YOU NOT KEEP OUR PROMISES?_**"**

I started screaming... The feelings I wasn't able to express, took the form of tears and started overflowing. I was selfish... I was greedy... And now I was alone... Devastated inside the empty corner of my mind. Heartbroken inside the darkest side of my soul. I was alone and I had just lost the most important person in my life... Fuck mafia! Fuck training! This person managed to make me fall for him twice! What gives him the slightest idea that I'd let him go this time?

Note:* "Addio" for people who don't know, means "Goodbye" in Italian. The difference between 'good bye' and 'addio' is that 'addio' has a definitive air about it - it's practically a parting of the ways.


	5. Chapter 5

I'd die without you...

"Where is Gokudera?"...The next day all I could hear was that question. "How come Gokudera is not with you?" "Is Gokudera sick or something? He's always with you!".

"No,Gokudera isn't sick.. We.. we just had an argument..."

"Oh, big deal, he'll come back..!"

I found it strange that I was the only one who was so worried. No one seemed to understand that Gokudera had left for real. I didn't know where he would go, I didn't even know where he was before. _What did I know about him in the first place...?_

My mind started wandering back in time trying to remember every little detail of Gokudera's words. He never talked about his family or home and he would always stay up late in my house or even sleep next to my bed, without asking anyone's permission. He was just so free and he feeling alone, I wonder...

"Why don't you go?"

My thoughts were interrupted by Reborn.

"Eh? Go where?"

"What do you think? Go tell him your feelings."

I felt my cheeks burning red from embarrassment. How the hell could this infant read my mind? And still...

_Homosexuality is wrong, isn't it...?_

"Stop doing useless thoughts!Will you deny the most important person in your life and condemn your happiness because of some stereotypes?"

Reborn was right.

_If I just knew where he is..._

"He's on the roof of Namimori's High School, but you better hurry up. You never know what a person can do, when he has reached his limits..."

I didn't let Reborn finish his sentence. His last words sounded like a childish melody, as I was running. I didn't care of what Gokudera had in mind, I didn't care of what he would say and I didn't care of any stereotypes and I just ran... I ran so fast that I could hear the beats of my heart begging me to stop. I ran so violently that I could hear the bones of my legs cracking. I climbed up the stairs in an instant and pushed the half opened door with such force that my hand went numb for some minutes.

What I felt the moment I pushed that door was beyond words. Looking at Gokudera standing on top of the iron railings and gazing at the gloomy cloudy sky, made my heart stop beating for a moment. I felt as if all the parts of my body had stopped functioning and my mind was stuck on only this question: _'Will he jump?'; _it was the only thought in my mind. I tried stepping forward but my legs were shaking so much that made me unable to. My body had frozen along with the time and my mind couldn't order my lips to start moving. I felt as if I was under a magick spell that made my body useless, but all I wanted to do was to hug him tightly, to kiss him, to let him know I was there for him, to let him know I loved him...

Despite my body's resistance, I managed to make two steps forward and despite my mind's fear of rejection and humiliation, I managed to _scream _it...

"I love you!"

My loud voice didn't manage to move Gokudera's body. However, it did manage to make him respond.

" 'If my love for you was a star then you'd be the sky because you'd be surrounded by my love'; that's what you had told me. I always wondered how you could use simple words to make such beautiful sentences. I always wondered how you could make all these poems for me and make me feel so special and unique even though I am the most common person on the planet. I always wondered how you could do all these things."

He paused his words for a minute, climbed down the iron railings and turned his body towards me. I found myself in shock when I saw the bruises on his face... His left cheek were bruised as if he had been punched, and I could even see some drops of blood on his lips. What did he do last night?

"You really are perfect Jyuudaime..."

His eyes made such an intense contact with mine, that I had to blink several times to get used to that powerful stare.

"...but I am not."

_I am not perfect either! Why does he think that way?_

"I can't write poems. I can't use words in such a magic way. I can't make you feel special by telling you sweet things, because those sweet things can't come out of my mouth, no matter how much I try. I can't sparkle like you do and make your day beautiful. There is only one thing I can do, and I have been doing it all this time... _I can protect you..._That's the only thing I know how to do and that's the only way I can show you my love. And yet... in that car accident... I was useless. I couldn't protect the one person that gave a meaning in my life... I couldn't protect you..."

In the silence that followed, I was able to remember... Remember every little detail of that accident... Remember every last word of that moment.

When Gokudera lost control of the car, it started spinning in a terribly fast rate. My head was feeling dizzy and my eyes had been filled with tears and terror. I couldn't see the road anymore and my mind was warning me that these would be my last seconds alive. But at this moment... When my heart was about to break and my body about to be crushed, I felt a tight embrace and I could hear some words being whispered next to my ear... _'Let me die instead of him... Let me die instead of him...'_ They were repeatedly echoing in my ear. I opened my teary, terrified eyes and saw Gokudera looking at me in despair and regret. _'I love you.'_were the last words I managed to hear and a passionate kiss was the last thing I managed to feel; then everything went dark. I lost track of time, I lost all sense of reality and I let go... I let go into Gokudera's embrace, that had transformed into Death's hands who were trying to take me away from him.

I came back to reality... I looked up at Gokudera who was still looking at me with his intense stare, and was waiting for my response. I opened my mouth and let the words come out directly from my heart, valiantly and fearlessly.

"I am not perfect Gokudera-kun, no matter what you think. My fears and insecurities exceed any limit you can even imagine. The level of my intelligence is not high at all; I am not able to do some basic Maths and the most common things in our everyday life may seem extremely difficult in my eyes. I haven't yet accepted my fate as the Tenth boss of the Vongola Family and I am too weak to fit in such an important position. But no matter how useless or weak and afraid I may be, I am still sure of one thing. I love you... I love your smile, I love your voice, I love the way you talk to me... I love the way you explain things, even if you make me more confused than before, I love the things you say... You may not be able to write poems but each and every one of your words sound poetic in my ears. You may not be able to tell me sweet things, but the way you talk to me is the sweetest way anyone has ever talked to me before. You make me feel unique just by looking into my eyes..."

Gokudera was listening to my words without leaving a sigh. He was still and expressionless but I could sense a sparkling smile inside him. My legs had came back to their normal state and my heart was beating at its normal rate, which allowed me to make some steps forward and face Gokudera with only one meter distance. I looked into his eyes with my most determined look, absolutely sure of the things I was about to say.

"You are the one who makes me sparkle Gokudera-kun! You are the one who makes me feel magical and therefore I am able to express my feelings this way. You are the one who makes me be the way I am... If I am your sun who brightens your day, then you are my light. You are the one who makes me sparkle and I would die without you. I love you Gokudera-kun... I... I just wish I could prove it to you in some other way, but all I got right now are my words..."

"...That's enough for me."

He smiled and vanished the distance that was between us by making two big steps forward. My heart started beating fast again as I felt his breathe closing by my lips. He wrapped his hands around my body and I managed to wrap mine around his neck, despite my shaking legs. No more words were said as his tongue touched mine... No more stares were allowed, as we both had our eyes closed, feeling this magical moment in the maximum... Ecstatic. Only this word can describe the feeling of our passionate kiss.

My cheeks were glowing red but for once, I didn't mind. I was too engrossed in our kiss and too occupied to think of anything else. Furthermore, I could neither step back nor open my eyes since Gokudera was absorbing me into some state of trance. Our lips didn't want to depart and our bodies wanted to communicate even more, feeling each other's touch and tasting each other's pleasure. His hands had been tightened really hard around my body, pulling my shirt, and my hands had moved behind his hair, pushing his head even more into mine. For some reason, I felt like I would break apart... All this tense made me want to do things that I wouldn't do under normal circumstances... It made me feel things that were beyond my limits... This ecstatic euphoria was driving me crazy...

Gokudera suddenly stopped kissing me and leaned next to my ear.

"I love you..." he said and with these words he started nibbling my neck. The pleasure that was caused was unbelievable, making me leave a low slight feminine moan. Gokudera didn't pay any attention to it and while hugging me with his one hand, he let the other one slide down to my most private area... This time, my moan wasn't low at all... He was holding tightly my crotch and I could hear his heavy breathing next to my ear begging me to do the same. Gokudera didn't need to spell any words, since his body could speak for itself. I lowered my hands down and with one of them I grabbed tightly his shirt while with the other I could feel the bulge in his pants asking me to do more than just touch it...

My silver haired lover pulled my shirt up, making naked the upper part of my body and making more of my sensitive spots vulnerable. I was sure of what his next move would be and I decided to close my eyes, hoping that the following pain would at least be bearable. Gokudera chuckled, making me open my eyes again.

"You always do that. You close your eyes tightly, as if I will cause you unbearable pain, but the only unbearable feeling you get is pleasure..."

After saying that, he lowered his body and bite softly one of my nipples. I hadn't managed to close my eyes and the pain I was supposed to feel had indeed transformed into pleasure... With my eyes open, I looked upon the sky and then lowered my head trying to keep my voice down. Gokudera was licking and biting my nipples as if they were the best flavored candy he'd ever tasted... He looked up at me trying to see my blushing face making all these moans; his stare made me blush even more. His biting made me moan even louder. There was no way I could hide my feelings...

Gokudera lowered his head even more licking all my body and then he knelt down, facing my tummy. He looked up again and he grinned as we made eye contact and I, instantly looked away embarrassed, trying to hide my curious stare. He then started kissing my belly, while his hands were unzipping my pants in a suffocating slow motion. As soon as he unzipped them, he started pulling them to fall down, making my most vulnerable place of my body be seen... My eyes were automatically closed, not wanting to see Gokudera looking at it. The blushing in my face wasn't limited only on my cheeks anymore, but it had been spread all over my face.

"I love it when you blush that much.." he said and made me pull his hair a little, in order to tell him to shut up without the need of words. He was making me feel so embarrassed, but on the other hand he was giving me so much pleasure...

Gokudera touched the tip of my cock with his tongue, making my whole body shiver from pleasure. My legs started trembling and I was hardly able to stand. His tongue was exploring my most private area, licking all of my sensitive spots, making my body surrender to this ecstasy.

I couldn't open my eyes anymore. Having them tightly closed I was trying to calm down my stimulation, but all I managed to do was to just raise it up, by feeling even more Gokudera's tongue sliding down my boner... I felt like he already knew every little detail of my body. He already knew how to arouse me, and he did it, to the maximum.

Gokudera wouldn't stop licking my private area and his tongue wouldn't leave my skin, but the caused pleasure was way beyond what I could handle, with result, me... coming all over his face...

"Aaah, g-g... gom... menos-sa..."

The words couldn't escape my mouth. The embarrassment was so great, that my hands were forced to be placed in front of my face, trying to hide my extremely blushing face.

"Why are you asking sorry? Did you not enjoy it..?"

Gokudera's blue voice drew my attention, but my hands wouldn't move and my eyes wouldn't stop being teary. What had happened was really so embarrassing...

"You're always so sensitive."

Gokudera stood up and licked every fluid that covered his mouth. He then chuckled and held my hands, pulling them away from my face.

"You are so cute..."

His words made me blush even more.

"I.. I am not..."

My denial made him chuckle again. He uncovered my face and kissed me one more time. His kiss re-sent me to that trance state, as I closed my eyes, feeling his lips immersing mine and his hands trying to get ahold of my body for eternity...

"I love you..." he was spelling to me again and again and even though I didn't manage to tell him 'I love you too', I did manage to give him many kisses in return... and I am sure he understood their meaning...

No more actions were done on that ones we already did were not so innocent but they were the beginning in front of my virgin eyes. How much more would we live? How much more had we actually lived before the accident..? My mind was trying to avoid seeking the answer. All that matters was that we were happy... we were satisfied... And most of all, we were complete...

_**The End. :D**_


End file.
